An introduction......

Hi, come on in, pull up a chair, make yourself comfy! I know it's a little pink round here, maybe too pink.... I'm considering getting the decorators in!

So I suppose I should introduce myself, for those that don't know me, I'm Enigma Mama, but please call me Eni. Up until three years ago my life was completely normal, much like yours I hope, just a normal gal moving house, expecting a baby, planning a wedding (maybe I wasn't so normal, I got married at 35 weeks pregnant in Gretna Green, I didn't elope in secret or anything there were lots of family and friends there, big fairytale dress, yes I looked like a hippo in a tutu but it was my wedding day and pregnant or not I was having my HUGE dress, and it was a beautiful day, anyhoo maybe more on that later) getting excited about the little things, new shoes, handbags, haircuts and most importantly the little gorgeous baby girl I was growing in my tummy, my first baby!

DeeDee was born by emergency c-section due to a plummetting/untraceable heartrate after a super fast labour after being induced at 38 weeks gestation due to reduced movements, my beautiful 6lb12oz little girl (a lot smaller than we were expecting...seriously I was like a whale, we ran a sweepstake at work and I think the smallest guess came in at 8lb 9oz) I thought I already knew what love was, I was wrong, I honestly had never felt a feeling like the one I got the first time I looked at my beautiful little girl, that was where the fairytale was supposed to start right?? Newlywed, new home, brand new beautiful baby, now time for the happily ever after????

DeeDee was 6 days old the first time she suffered a respiratory arrest (sometimes when it's quiet, which very rarely happens in my house, I can still hear myself screaming "my baby, my baby" as I was ushered out of the room by the crash team) I will never forget seeing her turn blue from her head to her tiny, perfect little toes and asking the nurse "what's wrong with her" her reply of "she's not breathing" she had every test known to man, all of them came back clear, "maybe it's just a virus" and then when she was 8 days old......................"we'll do an MRI scan just to check everything is ok in her head"

I sometimes think back to the day she was 9 days old, it was a Saturday, we were on High Dependancy by this point having been moved round from Intensive Care after she had her scan on the Friday evening, it was so bright and cheerful, our nurse for the day Helen was lovely, we had bathed Jai-Jai and were having cuddles when a Dr I'd never seen before came along and said "Could we just have a chat?" I didn't want to leave DeeDee, they said there were a few of them waiting in the little room at the bottom and she was asleep so we would be fine, so we followed her down to the little room, chatting away asking me about my job, I worked in the hospital as a Medical Secretary, I think I even laughed at something she said!

I sometimes long to be the person I was as I walked into that room, because I will never ever be that person again, "normal" "innocent" and most of all "ignorant" oh how I would give anything to have had just one more moment of ignorance..........

"we found something"

"a tumour"

"not seen anything like it before"

"chemotherapy not an option"

"too young for radiotherapy"

"surgery impossible due to location"

Words................so many words! The smiles gone, everyone staring at us waiting for a reaction, asking if we had any questions, getting up and leaving the room but my legs wouldn't work, they just wouldn't work then the tears, so many tears in the middle of the corridor, and other parents, who had done "the walk" previously looking on. Having to tell family (family that didn't deserve to know, but again more on that later)

Six months followed in hospital, mainly in Intensive Care, living in the hospital wasn't as bad I had expected it to be, at least we didn't have to worry about the electricity bill, we lost our home whilst we were in there as The Man had to give up work, we literally lived there!

She was 6 months old the day we brought her home, I say home I mean HELL aka the in-laws, the hospital would have been better, we brought her home as they could do nothing for her, the only thing I asked them was "make her better or give her back" and they couldn't do the former so they choose the latter, we were told she wouldn't make it to 1, she's still here at 2 and a half, she gets worse with every passing month but she's here! I will post more on her antics at a later date I feel I have spilled enough for now......

When DeeDee was 9 months old when, whilst making the most of an empty house, we conceived for the 2nd time, more than a little shock as it took three years to conceive Dee even more of a shock when we heard the word twins at my first scan, still after the challenge of Dee it would have taken more than a single "normal" baby to prove a challenge.

Boo & Dink put in a surprise apperance on Mothers Day 2011, another emergency c-section, Dee adored them as soon as she laid eyes on them and is an amazing big sister!

The three of them fill every single day with so much love, laughter and mischief. I'm sure from the outside looking in our life looks crazy but for us it's just our life, comments such as "Come and get your son out of the bin" "Boo stop trying to strangle your sister" "Ambulance please..." are all to common in our house.

I hope that I haven't bored you too much with my introdutory post, it could have gone on a lot longer, please do ask if there is anything you would like to know more about.

I shall look forward to filling you in a little more on the last 2 and a half years of my life as well as the future.........whatever it may bring

Eni
xxx